i think i will have the freedom to breathe.

i'm presently sitting in my old office on the 7th floor.... it's a floor so far below where my current office is located, i have to use a different elevator bank.  i HATE my current office.  there's no natural lighting on the floor.  it's too quiet.  not the kind of quiet that's good for working (like here in my old office), but the kind without any white noise that drives people INSANE!  my wonderful old office on the 7th is a corner office with a FANTABULOUS window view.  only working for my boss in this hell hole would a promotion result in you getting a crappier office.  his reasons for thinking that my new office is better than my old office are not what *i* view as good reasons.  in my opinion, the only thing good about being up there is the free coffee.

anyways... it won't last.  the only reason i'm down here is because IT has to work on my computer.  they can't seem to get Visio 2007 installed.  don't ask.  long story.

i'm still working on that blog that describes the hell i've been through in the last month, but i'm going to take advantage of being in my (wonderful) old office to actually do some work.

i never *ever* thought i'd say this, but Happy Monday, everybody!

if you live in Canada, you know the February blues.  that's the state you're in after a brutally cold November, December, and January -- when you're in the final stretches of winter.  vitamin D deficient, constantly semi-frozen, and almost completely unfamiliar with fresh fruits and vegetables, you walk around like the living dead.

 
source:  http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3102/2846368096_d762726060.jpg?v=0

it's only September and i feel like that now.  i'm calling it the holiday-less blahs.

every year, i take one big holiday.  it's something i've been doing since i graduated from university.  but last year, i didn't take a big holiday.  i took a week and a half last October to visit a friend in Seattle and a friend in Vancouver. 

 
source:  http://www.northernvirginiamag.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/seattle_skyline2.jpg

but as fun as that was, it's not (in my book) a holiday.  for me, at the very minimum, a holiday involves leaving the continent OR going for more than two weeks -- ideally, three.  it's already September, and i have not taken a single holiday all year.  i am literally going stir-crazy.

work.  it's hard to feel driven at work.  having not taken any breaks, i've been facing the same day to day grind, non-stop.

Any idiot can face a crisis.  It is this day-to-day living that wears you out.
- Anton Chekhov

i know i shouldn't complain when so many people have lost their jobs.  and more particularly, i shouldn't complain because many people have to work incredibly hard for very low pay and don't get paid vacation.  so it's not that i'm unaware of my good fortune (i am aware, and i greatly appreciate it), but i'm just friggin' tired.  i get restless and have trouble focusing if i don't walk away and take a break.  i feel trapped.

source:  http://www.elfwood.com/art/c/a/carrosimson/trapped.jpg

i don't really hate my job as much as i say i do (though there are some days...), but when i'm like this, it sure is hard to feel engaged.  i probably shouldn't fill in the employee engagement survey (at least not on days like today) but i'll have to do it before i go to Dubai.  the survey closes in three weeks, and i'm not going to Dubai until November.

i haven't looked forward to a holiday this much in a long time.  i can't wait!  if i could.. i'd jump on a plane right now and go.  i'd start counting down, but counting down for two months is more likely to depress me.  i'll start counting when November hits.

source:  http://www.c3images.com/iphone/countdown/images/importCountdown.jpg

i guess i should go prep for that Annual Information Form meeting...

the last two postings (you and you - part 2) are not fiction or conjurings of an overactive mind.  they're true.  and i am the voice behind the story.  however, they're not necessarily issues i'm having right this very second.  and the postings to come in the series are also very personal and true.

but "you" is not always the same person.  and the timeframe is not always now.  i don't want to diminish their meaning by saying that they don't matter (because they *do* matter), but i'm not necessarily talking "to" someone who is presently involved in my life (mostly because there is no one right now... kinda hard to talk about an imaginary boyfriend / crush).  the emotional wounds are not necessarily fresh ones.

i don't perform well in emotional situations.  when my feelings are involved, bad things happen.  i say less than i should.... i appear aloof despite being very passionate.  i just have great difficulty expressing myself when it's personal.  but after years of containing it - repressing it - and knowing that for years to come i'll likely continue to do so, i decided that i needed a way to let it out.  to vent it before i drove myself mad.

i want to say that if the opportunity presented itself a second time, i'd do things differently - i'd tell him what i really felt.  but i know that's a lie.  i'd very likely just suppress it and say nothing.  anyone who knows me personally wouldn't even think for one second that i would ever *actually* bear my soul at the risk of being rejected.  i'd sooner stab myself in the eye with a spoon than say to a crush "i like you."

the series of "you" postings covers the things i always thought but never said.  i'm saying them now... to release the words into the world, to go where ever the Internet takes them.  maybe it'll help someone else who is in that situation.  maybe it won't.  but i'm giving my words their freedom.  that's all.

so thank you, to those who expressed concern.  i have not lost my marbles and i'm not an emotional, depressed, pile of mush, blowing my nose in huge wads of kleenex and stuffing my face with comforting chocolate.  i'm fine.  serious.

i try not to think about you.  although thinking about you always gives me that warm bubbly feeling, it is quickly over come by the wave of sadness that follows.  the sadness of knowing that my life is of love (or at least love interest) unrequited.

source:  http://corriganreid.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/big_bubbles_blossom.jpg

there's a reason i love sad songs.  it's because i understand them.  i feel them.  i live and breathe them every day.  it's why i'm always busy.  it's the only way i can keep myself from thinking about the things that make me sad.  i refuse to let sadness cripple me.  i lived through that after the demise of my first relationship.  been there.  done that.  don't need to do it again.

source:  http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_kkCHUk87bYc/STfNikmXK-I/AAAAAAAAPLQ/AudzT5tv3EM/s400/VA+-+SAD+SONGS+2004++(+2+CDs+).jpg

for someone as analytical and intelligent as i am, when it comes to my own relationships, i can be pretty dumb.  in fact, i can be down right retarded (and i don't mean the 1980s version where it's a derrogatory term for mentally handicapped... i mean slow... comme en français).  so when others would've seized the opportunity to make something happen, i stalled, pondered and let the moment pass.  when i tried to catch that fleeting moment as it was about to sashay out the door, i let go at the very last second because i was afraid i might have to endure the humiliation of rejection.

source:  http://media.onsugar.com/files/ons1/346/3469132/29_2009/f51a3a7945291aad_rejection.jpg

to say it's got nothing to do with image would be a complete and total lie.  i think for years i lied to myself about this -- justifying my choices with phrases of being "better" than that, or some bs line about having great foresight.  that's all a bunch of crap.  i turned away because i was afraid i'd look weak if i showed that i cared.  i turned away because i believed it would make me look like those "typical" silly girls who practice signing their first names with their crush's last name in the back of their notebooks.  i'm not like that.  but more importantly, i didn't want anyone to "think" that i'm like that.  so, instead, i never say anything, i act like i don't care, and everyone moves on.

often times, i question this choice that i've made.  i ask myself would it not be worth the risk if it meant that our collective fear of rejection is overcome and we discover that we both in fact like each other?  would it not be better that one of us (even if it's me) took that leap of faith and sought out the truth inspite of our fear?  probably.  but that wouldn't be me.  i'm not like that.  i've never been like that.  and to do something like that would be unnatural.

but like any adventurer, i decided to give it a shot.  just try.  just once.  who knows.  if this was a cheesy chick flick, or chick lit, or trashy romance, you know how this would end.

source:  http://www.imperfectwomen.com/wp-content/uploads/F-500Z_f500Z_Happily_EverAFter1.gif

but it's not.  it's my life.  so what happened?

i didn't realize immediately that it was you.  it was still pretty quick, but it hit me at the very last possible moment.  if it had hit me even a day or two earlier, the outcome of this situation may have been different.  but i don't control time and i left my Magic 8 Ball at the office, so i had nothing to consult but my own dumb, retarded, relationship mind.

source:  http://edgarandallenpoe.com/magic8ball.jpg

i took one big leap.  a huge one.  and your reciprocation said something.  but then i did what i always do.  i started to analyze the situation with all the information that i had.  as in Blink, i was acting like the Blue Team. 

source:  http://crllearns.kucrl.org/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/copy_of_blink-293x300.jpg

conclusion?  i talked myself out of it.  i decided that talking about it would be a bad idea, because it would only yield an unfavourable outcome. 

my assessment:  it wasn't that we both liked each other.  it was a product of us both being lonely and in a situation that feeds off of our collective emotional weaknesses.  both of us were severely damaged by preceeding relationships (you told me about yours, but i never told you about mine).  it was only natural that we would both mistake our friendship for more than just that.  we got caught up in a moment.  and after that moment, if we pursued and messed up, we would've traded in our friendship (a friendship that i valued enough to restore after many years of lapsed contact) for nothing more than a fleeting moment of comfort.  i generally am not ready to do that... with *any* of my guy friends.

so i left it.  i left the opportunity to sit there.  and the more i thought about it the more i felt like i had made a mistake -- that i should've done something.

i took a second leap, albeit a much smaller one.  i tried to broach the subject.  but as i tried to open up a discussion, you used an excuse to barricade it.  so i didn't push it.  we didn't openly talk about anything.  you didn't outright reject anything.  i didn't outright ask anything.  but the probe i dropped got what i interpreted as a negative signal so i aborted the entire mission and retreated.

that's where we are now.  i think about you because it brings me a hit of warmth, even though it means i must endure the ensuing sadness.  it's like a drug.  you do it for the high even though you know that low that comes afterwards completely sucks.  i look at other people in their relationships and i think about what we could have become (definitely better than what *they* have ).  worse yet, i compare other interested parties to you (and shoot them down accordingly).  of course no one is perfect.  but for me, you possess most of the qualities that matter... and that makes you perfect enough.

source:  http://blogs.e-rockford.com/applesauce/files/2009/08/war-on-drugs22.jpg

but image.  image matters.  and despite the fact that through this post i have probably single-handedly destroyed the image i spent years building, i can't seem to alter my behaviour.  how can i do anything other than act as i always have when i'm around you?  how can i do anything other than show my respect and affection as any other friend would?  to show more than that would be.... girly.  and i'm not girly. 

also, there's always the other potential scenario.  what if the feelings aren't mutual?  what if the reason you aren't interested is because i'm not close enough to perfect for you, and it's not a matter of fearing rejection?  am i really strong enough to hear it?  no... probably not.  i'm okay with thinking it... suspecting it... but having it confirmed... i don't think i could handle that.

and so i progress ahead on the path that is my life, course unaltered, despite having had a glimpse of what life would be like with you.  unaltered because for whatever reason you didn't appear to want it (or at least that's *my* interpretation), and i'm not willing to pursue it in the face of adversity.  i embrace the other joys of my life and fill the void of a relationship with other meaningful and worthwhile endeavours, and linger only briefly on these moments of sadness - just to remind myself that i'm not a machine.... and that i have feelings too.

 
source:  http://www.myjanee.com/gallery/drawings/feelings.jpg

sometimes, i really don't understand my boss.  it's almost like following some sort of logical thought path is beyond him.

source:  http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/34000/Illogical-Poster--34351.jpg

today, we held a press conference.  it was a big one for the company annoucing big changes.  there was a lot of media - newspapers, television, radio, magazines.  everyone.  in fact... they're still here.

he drops by my desk SECONDS after the press conference officially concluded to ask me (re: tell me) to check the government's website to see if they've said anything about our news.  and i tell him, i guarantee him... that there will be nothing on the Ministry website until AT LEAST after lunch (though more likely... tomorrow).  and he insists repeatedly that i should be checking.  WHY!?!  this is not news about Britney Spears not wearing underpants.  it's not going to be all over the internet so quickly.  seriously.

source:  http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumb_282/12142956076w562E.jpg

one of the things i hate about working here is that everyone has this unfounded, inflated view of the company's importance in the grand scheme of things.

• minutes after the September 11 attacks, every idiot in the company (and no.. not everyone in the company is an idiot) started freaking out saying that we'd be the next target.  right.
  
  
• every quarter, we hold a media call to answer questions about the quarterly results.  and every quarter, everyone who works on that stupid call is so completely and utterly astounded that *no one* has any questions.  i think in the last 4 quarters, there's been 3 questions... all of them stupid.  so it's like they were asked for the sake of asking... not because people didn't already know the answer.

it's now been officially, 20 minutes after the conference broke... and guess what... there's still NOTHING on the internet about it.  am i really the only person who knows that this news isn't sexy or glamours enough to warrant everyone sprinting back to the news desk to immediately publish something?

source:  http://blogs.voices.com/voxdaily/breaking-news.jpg

i need to change companies.  *sigh*   i need to work somewhere where the people have a realistic sense of awareness.  i'm sick of being around narcissistic self-important types.

source:  http://www.lightandmatter.com/html_books/5op/ch02/figs/narcissus.jpg

so after i tell him there's not going to be anything on the web so soon, he takes on the "i don't care if you disagree, do it anyways" tone.  so fine...i'm going to sit here... and just hit refresh until something comes up on the fucking website.  because, you know... I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE FUCKING IMPORTANT TO DO!  with only a million other things that are of some value to do, i should just push them all aside and refresh this stupid website repeatedly until i see the news posted.... you know... a website that is maintained by government staff who.... OBVIOUSLY WILL RUSH TO UPDATE THE SITE IMMEDIATELY WITH ALL THE LATEST AND GREATEST NEWS ABOUT US!!!

i should probably switch to decaf.

source:  http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/notwantdecaf.jpg