I don’t usually do a top 10 or a year in review.  I have occasionally, but it’s not a regular feature here on my blog.  However, seeing as it’s 2010, I think maybe I should list the 10 most memorable things that happened this past year.  Good and bad.  We don’t sugar coat ANYTHING here at Cokeaddict Central. 

source:  http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/ctr/lowres/ctrn15l.jpg

About a month after my grampa passed away, my dad’s mom started to deteriorate as well.  That’s how the story goes with untreated kidney disease.  She didn’t tell any of her children.  So no one knew.  Maybe she didn’t want to admit it.  Maybe she didn’t take it seriously.  Maybe she didn’t understand.  Maybe she knew, but didn’t want life to have to stop tasting good.  I don’t know, but for whatever reason she didn’t want anyone to know.  So when kidney failure hit, it was fast and it was unexpected for all of us.  While in the hospital she refused dialysis and she refused surgery.  She knew what this would mean.  And so, after about two weeks in the hospital, we had to say our goodbyes.

#4: My best friend’s wedding

#2: Separation is over

The Habs and I are no longer separated.  I’ve decided to take them back.  And they have Jaroslav Halak to thank for our reconciliation.  Were it not for the stellar playoff run, though it ended in defeat, I would still only be reading the summary email after each game.  Halak and the team that pushed for the Cup in the 2009-2010 playoffs induced me not just to take them back, but to believe.

source:  http://fantasyknuckleheads.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/halak.jpg

I was very sad about Halak’s departure and angry about how he was unceremoniously dumped by the Habs, but after the shock subsided and the realization of what needed to be done in order to keep Pleky set in, I came to terms with it.  We have a great team this year, and despite the slump we’re currently in, I see great things ahead for the remaining half of the season.  GO HABS GO!!!

#1: Vancouver Winter Olympics

Could there be any question as to what would be my number one?  Honestly?  It wasn’t just because of men’s hockey – although the roller coaster ride of that event certainly proved its entertainment value.  Vancouver, potentially one of Canada’s most picturesque cities, was showcased.  It was Canada Day every day for two weeks.  And despite the things that went wrong (one messed up torch arm, the fence around the torch, the protests, the tragedy at the sliding centre, the WTF was that Closing Ceremony?!, etc…) we kept our grace, our dignity, and showed everyone what it means to be Canadian.

Oh yeah… AND WE WON THE MOST GOLD MEDALS EVER!!!  Say we have an inferiority complex if you want.  I don’t care.  I don’t think any other country would ever say that they weren’t proud that they won the most gold medals ever.  The best part of it was that no one ever expected Canada to do this well.  For the first time ever, Canada didn’t just sit back and say “It’s such a great honour that our athletes got to compete.”  We went in there with our usual humility and this time, we walked away saying, “It’s such a great honour that our athletes exemplified excellence and won the great honour of being called an Olympic medalist.”

The few events I want to list out because they were the most memorable for me are (because I know all the events were memorable for many across our vast and beautiful nation):

• Alexandre Bilodeau picking up our first Olympic gold medal EVER on home soil.

• Joannie Rochette winning bronze, despite the sudden death of her mother just before the first skate; and our girls showing the boys how it’s done... again.
• Tessa and Scott. I can’t repeat their names enough times.  I don’t care for the controversy or any of the talk from people who like or dislike them.  All three of their skate programs were BEAUTIFUL and FLAWLESS.  Their last skate was... PERFECT. And no ice dancing pair deserved that gold more than they did.
• Men’s & women’s curling.  I don’t even understand the rules.  But I watched it.  I’d cheer at a throw and the commentators would say “Oh, that’s not good.”  At other times I’d think, oh, that’s not good, and the commentators would say, “EXCELLENT PLAY!”  I never understood.  But whatever!  Gold in men’s and silver in women’s.  That part, I understood!
• And finally… our boys.  Our dear, sweet boys.  Almost gave me a fucking heart attack every single damned game they played (except against the Russians).  After poor Marty got thrown under the bus because we got trounced by the Americans (which I didn’t feel too bad about for very long, since the situation was reversed for Marty in Salt Lake), I was nervous.  Not totally freaked yet... but enough to be concerned that Torino might be coming to visit.  But slowly, our boys started to shape up.  Then, we crushed the Russians (take that, Ovi!).  And we *should* have steam rolled over the Slovak team, but holy crap, the last 3 minutes of the third period, I think I tweeted at least 10 times “COM’ON BOYS!! WANT IT MORE!!! DON’T LET THEM SCORE!!”  Thank gawd for Luo.  And kudos to the Slovak team who had no one else to thank than Jaroslav Halak! Yah... THAT Halak!!   Side note: I had bet on the Habs' site that Halak would make 23 saves.  The prize was a t-shirt.  And he friggin' went on to make 25 saves! So close... 

  Hate him if you must, but I certainly never will.  Sid the Kid.  Our golden boy.  He pulled through at the very last second.  And in my heart, that goal was poetic justice.  Our nation cultivated that kid.  He’s one of the top hockey players in the NHL.  You can call him a whiney brat if you want, but that doesn’t negate the fact that he is INCREDIBLY skilled.  And on the day it mattered most, in the second of our most dire need, he reaffirmed for the world, that hockey is Canada’s game – and no one elses.

GO CANADA!!!

That’s my Top 10 for 2010. What’s yours?

Happy New Year, everyone!!

I’ve been known for my dramatics.  I’m not nearly as dramatic as I was, say in high school.  But I do have some melodramatic tendencies... at least for personal entertainment purposes.  *Scarlet O’Hara voice* Oh, Rhett.  Where shall I go?  What shall I do?  *looks around* *cricket noises*

But I will not let a few bad games drag me into the dumps.  I don’t care if every turncoat Habs fan decides that the team is going down the toilet.  Sure, we fell 5 spots just over the duration of flying from Long Island to Washington, but that’s hockey.  Get over it.

source:  http://www.naintara.com/wordpress/wp-content/
uploads/2008/03/dscn0069-girl-and-pots.jpg

This is not blind optimism.  This is the kind of optimism that you have to have to keep on trucking.  You don’t know how or why, but you just have to believe somehow, before the end, you’ll figure it out.  In this case, I believe no matter what, somehow, all those who need to figure it out and get their shit together will.

source:  http://blogs.voices.com/voxdaily/i-believe-palm.jpg

Habs, if you would be so kind as to lend me 3 minutes of your devoted, undivided attention, I would like to say a few words to you... as a fan who loves you very much and NEVER gives up on you.

Many who claim to be your faithful have pegged these last 4 losses in 5 games as what we should expect from you.  So easy do they forget the three months of wins and glory that this very same team wrought with such effort and passion.  They do not see what I see.  And maybe I see more than is really there, but if you look where I am looking, I’m sure you’ll see it too.

I do not talk of some giant forward that we forgot about or some Markov clone that we can bring in.  I’m talking about looking inside each and every one of you and bringing to the game what you all have been reluctant to bring (for whatever reason) in December.  Your heart.

source:  http://insidetech.monster.com/nfs/insidetech/attachment_
images/0007/4682/heart-on-fire.jpeg?1269785986

Maybe it’s fatigue.  It’s hard pouring out your love for the game every single game... especially after three months of doing it... especially when your team is in a slump.  However, as a fan, I bring my heart to every single game that I watch.  I cheer.  I scream.  Granted, I don’t have to physically play every game BUT I've brought for you the one thing you're having trouble feeling... passion.

 
source:  http://cache1.asset-cache.net/xc/85214246.jpg?v=1
&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=77BFBA49EF8789215ABF3343C02EA548BBC4BA
0B8B2E8ED2AA823244262D14377F1C84CD3CC98B45

I don’t care if you lose the game.  If we lost because we got out played or out skilled, that’s okay.  That tells us where we need to improve.  But that’s not why we’ve been losing (this is the part where you ignore those turncoats and haters and JUST LISTEN TO ME).  You ARE better than what you’ve been playing.  We’ve been losing because we’re either unfocused, or undisciplined, or not trying, or not paying attention.  Whatever.  None of it has been because our opponents are better than us.  None.  Maybe they were better than us... BUT that’s not why we lost to them.

You don’t go to the game just with your skill, strength, athleticism, and equipment.  You need to go with your head and your heart in the game... because your millions of fans around the world are also bringing their hearts and souls into the game.  They bring them for you.  But I’m not speaking for them.  I’m speaking for me.  I come to every game, breathing “Go Habs Go!”  My heart is beating “Go Habs Go!”  When the puck drops, for 60 minutes of play, my soul is burning “Go Habs Go!” 

And for that alone, at each game, if you cannot find the strength within yourself to bring out your heart, for those 60 minutes, we can trade.  If your heart is too fatigued to be in the game, just borrow mine.  As a fan, I've already given you my breath, my heart and my soul to try and win the game.  Use it.  Please.  Let me (and all your fans) give you strength when you think you have none.  Don’t worry.  It won't hurt.

 
source:  http://www.timeoutofmind.com/images
/bryce/bryce_large/heart_and_soul.jpg

That's what we've been missing from the game.  The passion to battle it out and win the puck.  The passion that shows you want it more than them.  The passion that says, "This is our game and we're gonna show you how it's done."  There's been a lot of half-heartedness mixed with frustration out there on the ice and many fans see that instead of what we really are... a team that has the potential to bring the Lord Stanley's Cup back home to where it belongs... in Canada... in MONTREAL!!

source:  http://www.blogcdn.com/www.fanhouse.com/media//
2008/04/montreal_canadiens_stanley_cup_hat_ks.jpg

I don’t have any lofty, idealistic dreams that you will go out there and win every single game.  There are going to be a lot tough battles out there.  But we need to go out there and take on every single game like it’s the last game we’ll ever play.  When the dust settles, if we can walk away saying “and that was the best hockey this team has ever played” then we'll be okay.  We’ll be at the playoffs together.  I know it.

GOHABS GO!!!!

I know.  A blog post about the Leafs.  Shocking.  But it’s not really about the Leafs.  It’s about the fans and this waffle throwing business.

source:  http://media.thestar.topscms.com/images/
74/5b/0ccacdfb4e369480f2226e3729b0.jpeg
Can I point out the fan in the Leafs jersey, standing on the left?
His expression is just CLASSIC!!
Insert speech bubble:  "Awww, com'on you dumbass.  What the hell are you doing?!"

People of Toronto... more specifically, Leafs fans who seem to have enough money to get tickets to a Leafs game:  I have a few little questions for you.  As a very passionate Habs fan, I fail to understand how someone who claims to be a “fan” of a team can do the Leafs as you have done (or that loud, vocal minority as Brian Burke calls you).

1. When you plan your night out at the ACC, do you stop at the grocery store to pick up Eggos or did you just grab whatever was in the freezer?
   
   
   source:  http://cdn1.newsone.com/files/2009/11/eggos.jpg
   
   
2. If you assume they’re just gonna lose, would it not be smarter to just NOT spend the money on the game?  Granted, this guy says he got his ticket as a gift so he didn't actually spend the money on it.  But that just makes it more sad.  You didn't even APPRECIATE that you got to go when so many others, who would've killed to be there, didn't get that opportunity.
   
   
3. Do you think the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan really cares that you’re throwing waffles at Leafs players?  I don't.  The Leafs are still one of the most profitable teams (if not *the* most profitable) in the NHL.  At the very least, the tickets are bloody expensive -- even more expensive than Habs tickets.  Waffles or no waffles, they don’t give a shit.
   
   
   source:  http://www.benefitscanada.com/
   images/News/tmb_main_col01_01_logo.gif
   
   
4. You wanna throw stuff onto the ice, fine… do it. But do you *really* have to do it WHILE they’re playing?  You can’t wait for a gawd-damned whistle or something? How about after the opposing team scores?  Or I dunno… wait for an icing call!  Sheesh!!  Lawsuits ain’t fun people.  And don’t think that multi-millionaire hockey player won’t sue you if he sprains his ankle while skating over your breakfast.
   
   
   source:  http://www.coachdepot.com/
   images/products/CDcbc02.jpg
   
   
5. Is Kellogg's paying you for this advertising?  You'd better be getting big bucks.  Otherwise you’re getting totally screwed.
   
   
6. Believe it or not, there are LOTS of unfortunately children out there who would LOVE to go to a Leafs game, even if the Leafs don’t play well.  It’s Christmas.  Why don’t you just GIVE your ticket to the kid?  He'll cheer blindly for the Leafs.  That might motivate them to play better.  You make a kid happy.  Your blood pressure stays low.  And you did something charitable for Christmas.  Everybody wins.
   
   
   source:  http://cdn.bleacherreport.com/images_root/
   image_pictures/0150/0883/santastocking_crop_340x234.jpg
   

There is a right way and a wrong way to be a fan.  And although I think it’s kinda funny that some people have opted to throw mass-manufactured, low value, low quality, breakfast foodstuffs to protest against the Leafs performance, I do think these guys give fans a bad name.  I already do NOT condone boo-ing.  I get super pissed at Habs fans in the Bell Centre when they boo the Habs.  You don’t really want to know what I think of your little waffle shenanigans.  I don’t totally agree with the charges... and I’m still on the fence about the banning... but I’m 100% convinced that you are just a tactless, moronic idiot!

Just saying.

PS. If the Leafs are reading this... I'm just gonna quote something that Greg Wyshynski said on Puck Daddy.  I think you should think about maybe changing your "customer relationship management" strategy.

That's the difference between teams desperate to please [i.e. this is not you] and
teams who feel you should be honored to even have a chance to patronize their games [i.e. this is you].

Just think about it.

...he STAPLED his patch to his bag.

This THOROUGHLY amused me this morning while I was waiting for my breakfast.

coming soon:  Engineering accessories featuring duct tape.

I could never be accused of being a fairweather fan.  I am loyal and I love my team with an unwavering force.  It's borderline obsessive (okay... maybe I am obsessive ).

source:  http://th07.deviantart.net/fs4/300W/i/2004/257/6/8/Go_Habs_Go_by_Sexytikiki.jpg

I look at this team and I feel like I have so many things to happy about.  Picard scored last night.  Cammy (despite the bad turnovers) scored too.  Pleky has been worth every cent and a bag of chips.  Pricey has been absolutely PHENOMENAL!!  Gio snapped out his funk.  And OMG Eller is just unbelievable.  That kid is everywhere all the time and he just never gives up.  When I'm feeling down and dumpy... I look at him and I think, you know what?  THAT is how we need to be.  I know there's a big division on Lapierre too... but I think he's made big contributions to our point count considering he's not in the top 6.

Sorta.  It's not that different from what I do here (okay... it's *exactly* like what I do here) except someone else asked me to do it for them!!

I know... it's all hockey and it's all Habs... (yeah... like the name of the site... All Habs) BUT the most important thing... is it's mine!

So... even if you don't care about hockey or the Habs, please check it out and tell your friends to check it out... because if nothing else it's still funny (or at least, *I* think it's funny).

Me as a featured guest blogger!!

Line Combinations & Frustrations
as featured at AllHabs.net

Enjoy!! (And please be a wonderful, lovable person and leave a comment there. )

Tomas Plekanec

I can't believe it.  The Trainee brought cupcakes in to share with coworkers for his birthday.  What a sweet kid. I used to do that when I still disillusioned and naïve.  He's definitely made my Monday just a little bit better.

Don't worry.  I won't stomp the harsh reality of life into him.  At least... not today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LITTLE TRAINEE!!

p.s. This cupcake smells AMAZING!! Gonna eat it right now.

Originally posted on December 13, 2010 - 12:39 PM

Yup... that's what I made for the cookie exchange this year.  I can't find the website where I got the recipe, but I can tell you what changes I made to it and post my revised version of it.

First off... the recipe called for maple extract.  Uhm... HELLO!!! I'm Canadian.  We don't do maple extract and still call ourselves Canadian (I'm totally making this shit up).  So that got changed first.  I bought maple smoked bacon AND I used maple sugar instead of white sugar.  And YES, I did not bother with the stupid maple extract.

Oh yeah... and because I don't like my cookies too sweet, I reduced the sugar by 1/2 cup.

Onwards!!

At this point, you can just spoon the dough onto a sheet (I recommend using a teaspoon instead of tablespoon...these cookies taste better smaller than bigger) and bake.  But since I was going for uniformity (cuz these cookies were going to a cookie exchange), I wrapped the dough in some plastic wrap and put it in the fridge for a couple of hours.  I then cut the dough into little 1/2 inch x 1/2 inch x 1/2 inch cubes.  Perfect size.

 
source:  http://twitpic.com/3f438h

Bake these in an oven that had been preheated to 375 F for 10 minutes or until the edges are golden brown.  Then cool them on a wire rack.  I got ~72 cookies out of this.

source: http://twitpic.com/3f4c1x

Please note that you will smell like maple bacon cookies and your house will smell of maple bacon for at least a good 3 hours after you're done baking.  But that's all part of Christmas, right?

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!!

Disclaimer:  Photos are not of the greatest quality as I just shot them with my iPhone camera.  Next time, I will use the SLR.

Let's talk about something other than me.  The last little while has been very tough on me personally, so let me just take a little break from my reality and talk about someone else's reality -- Carey Price.

source:  http://nimg.sulekha.com/sports/original700/chad-larose-carey-price-2010-11-13-22-11-8.jpg

Earlier this year I (like many of the Habs' faithful) was concerned about Montreal's goaltending stock.  Jaroslav Halak had become the town hero in a few short months lighting the town on fire during the playoffs.  Carey was the odd man out, getting booed regularly by the wonderful Bell Centre trolls (I'd just like to reiterate, no matter *what* I think of a goalie, or player, I NEVER boo my Habs... EVER).  GM Pierre Gauthier decided that the Habs House was going to stand firmly behind Carey and uncermoniously traded Halak for what was viewed as a couple of magic beans and a bag of pucks.

Of course, I freaked.  But when I saw that the bigger picture was making salary cap space to keep Pleky, I calmed down.  And upon reviewing Pleky's performance, now 22 games into the season, I must say, that boy is worth every cent we paid and then some.

source:  http://www.montrealgazette.com/sports/3684487.bin?size=620x400

The question afterwards, in a "star" goalie saturated market, was whether or not the Habs choice to stick with Carey was the right choice.  Let's get this out of the way (for those who have not read previous posts of mine about hockey).  I am 100% behind Carey Price.  I've always been and likely always will be.  But was I wary about him as the starter goalie?  I wasn't really wary, but I was slightly concerned -- only because I know how insane Habs fans are.  It's a lot of pressure playing in a Bell Centre that is filled with angry Habs fans that place almost the entire blame of a bad game on a goalie (even when the goalie has been superb).

I'm happy to say, 22 games in, Carey has not only been stellar... he's completely turned all the naysayers.  No matter what's happening, the crowd is now always cheering

CAR-EY!! CAR-EY!! CAR-EY!!

He's got the most goalie votes on the NHL All-Star ballot (and he's a write-in too) and most votes overall after Sidney Crosby.  Yay!!

But this isn't an "I love Carey Price" post (I know... I tricked you).  I wanted to vent about some of the psychos who tweet on Twitter during the games. 

There are 82 games in the season.  A person would have to be freaking dillusional or on crack to think that there is any possible way that any single team might wind up at the end of the season having won 82 games.  It's not happening.  I'm a die-hard Habs fan, and I my team to no end, but I know, between now and April, we're gonna lose a few games.  It happens.  So when the team is just being complacent and not playing and we lose, I stare at my feed wondering why everyone is screaming for Jacque Martin's head or that Scott Gomez be traded.  Are these people for real?

I'm the first to admit that I disagree with many of Jacque's decisions.  But he's the coach.  So if he turns out to be right and I turn out to be wrong, I don't call it luck or fluke.  He's the one getting paid and calling the shots.  He'd better be making more right calls than me.  I don't like how he's handling Eller.  I don't like a lot of things, but looking at where the Habs are in the standings right now, I think it's pretty safe to say that I should just STFU and see where he takes the team (okay... I'll yell out once or twice, but not multi-page rants).

People need to just calm down.  We're only 3 months into the season.  There are 5 more months to go.  There is a lot of time.  I'm just as disappointed (if not moreso) as any one else when the team loses, but people... get a grip.  It's not like we just lost in the finals.  It's not like we've lost 11 games in a row *cough*Leafs*cough*.  It's not like we're dead last in the standings.  We're doing okay.  And if the team stays focused, doesn't get complacent, keeps building team chemistry and stays off the injured list (oh, poor Markov!) I think we will do just fine.

Of course I'm upset when we lose because of complacency.  I'd be much happier if we lost because the other team was superior.  But it's a long season.  And every team will have days when they just aren't coming together.  And you know what?  IT'S OKAY!!  Sure, be upset about it, but I'm sure the boys are *more* upset about it and they're gonna work on it so that they don't make that mistake again anytime soon (we hope). 

I'm not gonna jinx us with any predictions or inflated expectations.  But I do want my boys to go out there and put on a Stanley Cup worthy performance as often as they can.

Carey:  Congrats on winning your second Molson Cup in a row (October *and* November, woohoo!!)!  I always believed in you.  Just keep doing what you're doing.

Fans:  There's a good insane and a bad insane.  For the most part it's a good insane and I love your passionate insanity... BUT when the boys are losing *a* game you need to just relax and quit calling for everyone and their mother to be fired.  I'm disappointed too, but it's just one game!  Seriously, if you *could* do better, you'd be coaching.  There's a reason you're not.

I can easily forgive people for the wrongs they commit. But that doesn't mean I forget.  And the problem is that though the person has been forgiven, I no longer want to associate with them.  What's worse, is sometimes I don't get to tell them that I forgave them.  And I don't get to ask to be forgiven for my part.

You see, my gran (my dad's mom) and I never really got along.  There was never a time in my entire existence where I remember being happy around her.  For many years I was angry at her for all the times where I felt she was being unfair.  There were decisions she had made that really hurt me, the worst being that she would not let me talk to my grampa on the phone when I was working abroad.  I was my grampa's favourite.  My grampa and I were so similar and we understood each other.  In 2001, I accepted a summer job in Cincinnati, OH.  My grampa had freaked, worried that I'd be murdered while shopping for groceries.  In his mind, the only cities safe to work in were the ones that prominently flew the Canadian flag.  I took the job anyways and promised that I'd call regularly so that he'd know I was okay.  Every time I called, my gran wouldn't put him on the phone.  Her reason being that it would stress him out after I hung up.  It'd be better if he forgot that I wasn't around because he wouldn't be as upset.  During those four months, I hated her.  I know it was wrong to think that, but I did.  My whole life is filled with moments like this though this was the only time I was angry enough to hate her.  As a child I neither understood nor wanted to understand.  I was contented with believing that she was a horrible person and that I was the better person for "forgiving" her horribleness.

Yesterday, while the world was mourning the loss of Leslie Nielsen (a great Canadian icon), my family and I were mourning the loss of my gran.  I'll admit... I didn't cry.  I also didn't get to see her before she was gone because I was stuck in traffic on my way to the hospital.  Despite having lost my opportunity to say goodbye, I still didn't have it in me to cry.  I think I was just numb.

A month ago, my mom's father passed away.  It was draining especially since relations from all over the world had been descending upon our home for about a month.  Not two weeks after my grandfather had passed away, did my gran fall ill.  Relations have again been coming and going.  Of course I don't begrudge them.  I'm glad they came to see Gran.  But it was really hard for me.  I was very disengaged from a lot of this and I just couldn't seem to find a way to reengage.  It was like I watched it more than experienced it.

Today, I'm at home scanning old photos of my gran and have been forced to really examine my choices.  I'm not perfect.  And I still believe that my gran's Imperialist Chinese views would always have resulted in us being at odds.  I am too modern and headstrong to be her definition of a "proper Chinese girl".  And oddly enough, that's why my grampa and I were so close, because I thought like him and never backed down. 

The truth is, I don't hate her.  She was the way she was because that was the era in which she was brought up.  My grampa had a lot of backwards views too, but it was because I was the favourite that his views became "modernized."  The fact that I was not born a boy forced him to make concessions for a granddaughter that he loved so much.  One way to look at it is that my gran was just more traditional and firm in her convictions than he was.

I don't begrudge her, but I feel as though I should have apologized to her for not trying harder to understand.  It was because I didn't want to understand.  I didn't want to think that there was a justifiable reason for her treatment of me.  I was being the one thing I pride myself on *not* being - narrow-minded.  There's nothing to say that a heartfelt apology would've changed her opinion of me even at the last moment of her life.  She might still have reamed me out for all the ways that I failed as a granddaughter.  In which case, not telling her would be the better alternative.  And as much as I'd like to say that I wouldn't have cared, that's not true.  I do care.  I did care.  That's why all these years I've harboured so much anger against her.  I didn't forget all those countless times where I muttered under my breath, "Grampa wouldn't have said that to me."

Out of the eight grandchildren my grandparents had, I will at least say this... my gran loved seven of them very much.  And oddly enough, that doesn't bother me.  I'm okay with it.  I can at least say in all the ways she failed me, she did not fail any of them.  And scoring seven out of eight is actually pretty good.

She never failed to tell me how well my cousins were doing and this is important because my family is on that level of dysfunction that we don't really talk to each other.  It's not that I don't like my cousins, I just don't know them.  I'd say that I know my cousins in Montreal better because my uncle (their father) and I are close, but I barely know my cousins in Edmonton.  How sad is it that they came to visit and at dinner I felt more uncomfortable than had I been eating with strangers?  But were it not for my gran, I would know even less about them than I do now.

I do see the irony in all of this -- the black sheep of my gran's eye doing the slideshow.  I'm supposed to take the memories of her and put it to music for everyone to reflect and evoke emotion.  I've already cried several times today... but each time it was because of how much I miss my grampa.  It's been over 8 years and it still hurts like it was yesterday.

Maybe I've been crying for the wrong reasons.  I miss my grampa.  And I'm sure that if he were here today, he'd probably scold me for not having been better to someone whom he loved more than life itself.  But I cannot be more than I am.  When he first passed away, I tried.  But I couldn't.  Every time I saw her I just felt that overwhelming grief of having been left with the one that didn't love me.  The reasons I have for being sad might be the wrong reasons, but they're the only reasons I have.  If I could will myself into feeling different I would, but I can't.  If there is only person I would apologize to right now it would be my grampa.  I would tell him that I'm sorry I failed or that maybe I didn't try hard enough.

If I have any regrets about my gran it's that I wasn't strong enough to make amends.  I could put it all on her, but asking someone from her generation to change is near impossible.  I can probably try to defend myself until the end of time, but I know that it was on me... to be the bigger person; to be the more understanding one.  

Gran, I hope you're at peace.  I know the last two weeks have been unbearable painful and I'm glad that at least that part is over.  I never wished ill of you and only wished that you had thought better of me.  I know you were the single most important person in Grampa's life and I hope you find your way to him.