Wednesday, 05 November 2008

• I dated him…

  I haven’t dated every type of guy out there, but in my time I’ve dated enough types… made enough mistakes… and figured out exactly what I want (which I may or may not share via blog).

  So since I didn't want all that self-reflection to go to waste, I thought I'd blog about my experiences if for nothing more than entertainment value.

  edit:  I posted this up on Triond too.. so please kindly click through. 
  http://www.beyondjane.com/Relationships/Dating/I-Dated-Him.339885

  Despite my attitude towards everything else in life, when it comes to dating, I’m NOT the go-getter. I’m the complacent one… I’d rather miss out on the opportunity than risk getting hurt *again*. Why is this?   Well… for starters, I’m not unhappy being single. In fact, I’m perfectly happy in my singledom. But that doesn’t mean I’m opposed to a relationship. It just means I have a lower risk threshold. I’m not willing to risk much just for a shot at a relationship.  I’d have to be pretty friggin sure that he's worth it.  I don't have to be sure that it'll work out, because there's no way to be sure of that.  I just have to be pretty sure that I won't regret my decision to give it a shot.  I hate regrets. 

  In my dating life, I’ve only completely thrown caution to the wind once… and I learned that luck is not on my side. So now, I always have to force myself to *think* first before agreeing to anything.

  Here are some of the guy types on my dating resume... and (more importantly) why it didn’t work out.

  The Raver

  He is a very nice guy. A little wild. A little crazy. But totally harmless. He’s sweet, sensitive, a bit emo, but loves a good party. He’ll do crazy things like throw himself out of a plane, or drink until he’s teetering on the brink of death from alcohol poisoning, but he’ll love you like no one else can. As long as you can put up with all the near death experiences, *this* is a great love.

  Unfortunately, I can’t put up with the near death experiences so it didn’t work out.

   

  

  
  The Stalking Doormat

  This wasn’t quite a dating relationship. This was more just “an experience.” He’s the guy that thinks you’re even better than sliced bread. He believes that if he’s in your face enough, you’ll eventually learn to love him. It doesn’t quite work that way. But no matter how many times you try to explain this “nicely” it’s like he either doesn’t understand, or he doesn’t believe you (insisting that he is right and continues to be in your face as much as possible). I’ve since gotten rid of him, but I have on occasion caught him watching me from afar (which is NOT cool and is EXTREMELY creepy). I deleted him off Friendster and blocked him on Facebook, ignored his MSN requests… and I never return phone messages or emails. I think he might still read this blog... and I don't care!  Because nothing screams ‘kiss of death’ like creepy.

  If a girl thinks you’re creepy you have NO HOPE IN HELL!
  Even the guy friend that she “loves like a brother” has a better shot than you.

   

  

  
  The Pretty & Stupid

  This one is my personal favourite. He’s the guy that’s *hawt* like hell but dumb as bricks. Mine was a hawt hawt bartender and he faithfully served my drinks for 4 years.

  But his stupidity and lack of appreciation led to us parting ways

  …but I do have many fond memories. And he still makes the best lychee martinis I’ve ever had. For the alcoholic in me, this divorce was quite tragic.

  Side note:No… I didn’t date the bartender. But if he had asked anytime within the first 3 years, I TOTALLY would have. That last year was a bad year.

  

   

  
  The Deadbeat

  He’s the smooth talker. The guy who’s pretty good looking and talks the good talk. He’s not the aggressive alpha male who will beat you senseless if you don’t do what he asks, but he’ll talk you into circles so that you don’t realize just how crazy he really is. This one is dangerous… and if you don’t get out of this relationship quick, very bad things happen.

  And it’s because of those bad things that this didn’t work out.

  

  
  The High Schooler

  No… I didn’t date any jailbait. But, he looked like he was 15 and had the anime spikey hair.  I refer to him as Sonic the Hedgehog. 

  

  Anyways, this guy was quite the naive dreamer. He truly believed that he’s so “green” and “eco friendly.” But he’s an insurance underwriter… who happens to know *nothing* about science. And he kept telling me how I needed to be more green and how he was so green in his life (if you did a few simple life-cycle analyses of products he uses on a day to day basis, you can easily prove that he’s not TOTALLY green… but he’s an insurance guy… so he wouldn’t understand that). Since I didn’t feel like engaging in these sorts of arguments with him, I let him believe that I was a horrible, polluting, self-serving human being and went along on my merry way.

  It’s because of his holier-than-thou-art attitude that this didn’t work out.

  Last I heard, he’s marrying this vegan hippie girl with 3-foot long dreads. The reception is at the local foodbank and everyone’s getting there by TTC. Dress code:Value Village.

  
  The Potato

  Followers of my blog have read about the one-date wonder… The Potato.

  

  He’s the guy who misrepresents himself… the one with whom your friends set you up because he’s a “misunderstood soul, but a really nice guy.” He knows that you’re *way* out of his league, but because your friends pushed it, he gave it a shot. And now he’s on this date with someone as amazing as you and he is incessant with the cheesie, goosebump-inducing, saccharine type compliments followed by his own self-deprecating commentary. Grow a backbone! Get your life together! And find someone in your own league.

  It’s the misrepresentation and complete LACK of any commonality that this didn’t work out.

  
  The Shortie

  This is the guy who’s in the “not bad” category… but he’s got one of the deal breaker traits. My deal breaker is height. If I have to worry about whether or not my heels are too high (i.e. I’ll end up towering over him) then he’s too short. I’m 5’6”… so 5’10” is the minimum. I made an exception once and that’s how I ended up with the Deadbeat...so it’s not that I think every guy who’s 5’9” is a deadbeat, but I’m not having luck with that demographic. Anyways… it’s not about whether or not the dude is short. It’s about his messed up behaviour. On the first couple of dates, he did all these weird things (I met him at a dinner party at a friend’s house so I didn’t realize how short he was… I wasn’t wearing shoes and most of the time we were both sitting down). He was always early for dates… so he’d already be seated when I got there. But when I arrived, he wouldn’t stand up to greet me or pull out my chair. He’d just wait for me to sit. And then after the meal, he’d always tell me to go on ahead first without him… hand me the keys to his car and say “Just wait in the car while I pay the bill.” How did he know I wasn’t gonna steal his car? Anyways… it was like I was in some kind of weird, romantic comedy. This kind of weirdness can only go on for so long. When I pushed him to explain why we were always doing this:

  i.e.

  Him:“Just go into the movie theatre first and find a seat. I’ll meet you in there.”

  Me:“uhm… we’re still 30 minutes early. I’ll just wait for you.”

  Him:“NO! ... I mean, no. You go ahead first and get us a good seat.”

  He said it was because he didn’t want me to “notice” how short he was. Yeah… that *instantly* became the last date.

  It should be obvious why this didn’t work out.

  Sort of still on topic, but not really… I saw this and it made me laugh. I’m not saying height is a good measure of character… but if I’m dating him… physical does matter. And anyone who says it doesn’t is LYING!

   

  
  The Dirty Guy

  There is not wrong with having a healthy sex drive. But if that’s all you want to talk about, that’s a bit of a problem. Every joke is a sexual joke. Every topic of discussion is somehow sex related. And every date leads to “So how about we just go back to my place?  No time?  We can just do it in the car.” Gawd. I am not a skank. You want always willing and easy access, hire an escort… or a prostitute. I can’t even *believe* I went on 2 dates with that! 

  It’s because sex-obsessed skirt-chasing cops don’t do it for me that this didn’t work out.

  

  
  The Starving Artist

  This was the most recent one. I went to a jam session at a local bar with some friends. They were supporting a friend’s band and while I was there, I met someone from another band. He seemed nice, and we chatted and traded phone numbers. We had long phone conversations and after several weeks we went on our first date. First... he picked a movie that is not date-friendly. Burn After Reading is NOT a date movie. Then, he proceeded to “argue” with me about…

  wait for it…

  wait for it…

  RELIGION!

  I’m all for constructive debate… but if I half heartedly say, “Sure” that is not a sign that I need you to help me save my soul. It means “I don’t feel like having this argument… so how about we just agree to disagree.” Apparently, I need to learn how to be more convincing when I’m lying.

  And that’s not it!! Oh no! There’s more.

  I have quite a good job. I always complain about being poor, but I actually do alright for myself. So what does he say halfway through the date?

  Him:  “So tell me… why are you slumming it? ”

  Me:  “I’m sorry?” ”

  Him:  “Well… you’re a”<*insert job title here*> and you work at Company ABC. You must make pretty good money.”

  Me:  “I do alright.”

  Him:  “So why are you slumming it? You know. Cruising for musicians? ”

  Me:  “I didn’t really think I was slumming it. But I guess one can look at it that way.”

  

  So now I’m thoroughly annoyed with him and want to end the date as soon as I can. So I let some random conversation go on for a little more and then I signal for the bill.

  Him:  “Oh, I’ll get it.”

  Me:  “Oh no!! ” (a little too emphatically) “You got the movie.”

  Him:  “But this cost more than the movie.”

  Me:  “It’s okay. Really. I don’t want to put you out. I mean after all… I’m slumming it. So I’m sure I can afford this more than you can. Really, I won’t even notice this. But this might set you back a few weeks. I’ll get it.”  

  And yes… I said it in a snooty tone because I was pissed off about the whole “slumming it” thing. I’ve never really behaved in a princess-like manner… but if you’re going to imply that I’m a princess, I’ll show you just how much of a stuck up princess I can be.

  And he did try to call me after that... and I didn’t take his call.

  I don’t have a concise and specific reason for why this didn’t work,
  but it should be obvious.

  Need I say more?

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